August 25th, 2008 at 10:46 pm
I proudly present to you the Top 6 Reasons Why - No Matter How Hard You Try I Will Not Have Sex With You Ms. Gas Station Cashier.
1. I come to this gas station every day my for daily fix of taurine and nicotine. Say we were to bump uglies, that would mean by the laws of Seinfeld that I would be obligated to chit chat with you each time I came in. Hell, that’s one of the reasons I don’t have sex with the permanently premenstrual psychopath wife.
2. Not matter how big the breasts are, no matter how gadunk-a-dunk the booty, the face still matters. And I’m sorry, I don’t have a fetish for anorexic Wizard of Oz munchkins….or umpaloompa’s for that matter. It’s just a rumor.
3. What the fuck is with the new scabs all over the arms each day?!
4. I know its Texas. I know its August. I know its hot. But does the gas station have to smell like a fry cook at Long John Silvers EVERY day?
5. It’s inevitable. You will develop an obsession with me. Moobs (man boobs for the uninformed), birthing hips, no ass and a belly button deeper than the Mariana’s Trench will be too much for you to resist.
6. Probably the most important reason is: I’m lazy. As one of my good friends once said:
Masturbation is better than sex. It’s less work and more rewarding.
August 22nd, 2008 at 4:10 pm
The following is the list of my 9 worst habits in no particular order:
1. Smoking- The worst habit of all. Oddly enough I grew in a household where both parents smoked and I swore I would NEVER smoke. Ever. Then I joined the Air Force. In 2001 I moved to Texas and began to work at a place where the only break you were allowed to have was a smoke break. No lunches. Ask to go to the bathroom. But if you smoked, you could go outside once an hour for 10 mins. So guess what I started doing?
2. Drinking Red Bull- The Red Bull drinking began after the birth of my first daughter. Having a new born and working swings and/or mids is not conducive to getting any sleep. Instead of falling asleep at work and getting into major trouble I began drinking Red Bull. Now I’m up to 4-6 a day. Good god.
3. Biting My Nails - This gets an honorable mention simply for the fact that I chipped my damn front fucking tooth the other day biting my nails!
4. Speeding - After downing three Red Bull’s within 10 minutes of each other and then getting in my 2005 Mustang and hoping on the highway to go to work its only natural to want to do 90 m.p.h.
5. Staring At Boobies - I’m a guy. Nuff said.
6. Messy Computer Desk - Remember those Red Bulls and smokes that I consume? Guess where the cans and empty packs wind up?
7. Peeing On Toilet Seat - I have such a huge johnson that its hard to control where the pee stream goes…lol…ok, I dont pay attention where I’m aiming. Usually thinking about what to blog about next.
8. Dirty underwear - I’d imagine that leaving your dirty underwear on the bathroom floor may not be considered a bad habit, but when you take into consideration summer time in Texas combined with a hairy ass you might be able to guess that the heat, humidity and sweat tends to liquefy any leftovers that you may have missing hiding in your crack. No one wants to go to bathroom only to see a pair of swamp ass undies laying on the floor.
9. Food in my car - Subway is generally my choice for lunch. Its 2 minutes from work and located in a gas station which means I can also pick up my Red Bull and smokes. Factor in the laziness factor and bags and bags of uneaten subway sandwiches wind up collecting in my car. After a week of fermenting in the Texas heat my car takes on this odd smell consisting of hints of cheese, mayo and onions. Yummy.
